You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
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This fish is cracking me up
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.