My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
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Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”