[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Warm pools make me nervous.