If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
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Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
prepare for carbonated trouble
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun