Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
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The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk