WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.