Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
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My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Worth remembering.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions