When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
You Might Also Like
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake