*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
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Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
August 8
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it