Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
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The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
When you’ve simply given up.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.