You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
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Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.