Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…