I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
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whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol