ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
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honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Cat is stressing him out.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.