Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Lmaoo 😂
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
guilty
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Meat Cute
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
my proudest tweet
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?