i could never be president. im overqualified.
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Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*