“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
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me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”