Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
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According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.