Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
remember
only for emergencies
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Finally a use for spoilers…
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.