Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
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Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.