My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
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Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.