Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…