I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
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How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife