PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
You Might Also Like
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
scenes of unspeakable carnage
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”