RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
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I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Word!
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.