I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to