“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
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she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
What a website
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝