50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
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1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I think they could have phrased this better
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
This could be us… but you playing
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.