When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
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I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious