I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
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My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge