Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
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Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.