Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Overindulged this afternoon.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
good for her
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.