It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
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I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that