When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.