wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
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me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish