Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
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Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Kids, do not try this at home!
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
When someone trying to leave me
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
This 4th of July, please remember…
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself