A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
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“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Lmao 🤣
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I have never heard an armadillo before.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream