I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
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[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Two types of dogs.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule