“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
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My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Art by Pastelkatto
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Doggies just call it style.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy