her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
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If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”