Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF