Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
You Might Also Like
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?