I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Was it something I said?
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.