Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
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Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Thrilling chase underway
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit