New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Never let them know your next move 😂
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’