When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.