No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
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I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids