[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
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When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero