You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
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“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist