WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
A little too much information.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.